They’re Not Mad at You.

That friend who went quiet? The colleague whose message felt off? They’re almost certainly not mad at you. In this post I share three stories from the same week, the science that backs it up, and why reaching back out is almost always the right call.

This had to be written. When something comes up this many times in such a short period of time, you just can’t ignore it.

I have the Adam Grant “Something to Think About” daily calendar. Yesterday, I ripped off the previous day’s sheet to reveal a note from Adam that said this:

“People often like you more than you know.

The fear of rejection leads us to ruminate about minor mistakes – and stops acquaintances, roommates, and colleagues from sharing how much they enjoy our company.

Most people spend more time worrying about being judged than judging others.”

Funny timing, I thought, because I had a friend I hadn’t heard back from in so long, I’d convinced myself they were mad at me (for what reason, I had no clue). I’d started ruminating on what I could possibly have done, how much I missed them, and whether things between us were ok. About an hour later, unprompted, that friend reached out. She shared how guilty she’d felt for going quiet, how much she’d been dealing with personally, and how much she missed me.

About a month ago, something similar happened with a neighbour of mine — a newer friend who hadn’t texted me back. I figured after the last interaction we had they decided we weren’t aligned and it wasn’t worth pursuing the friendship further. I wondered what I’d said or done. This time, I decided to reach back out anyway. I asked them if they wanted to go for a walk. “My heart sang when I saw your text,” they said as we were on our walk a few days later. “It was just what I needed in that moment!” We go on weekly walks now.

Then today, a friend said to me “remember that friend who I was convinced didn’t like me anymore? She sent me a long message apologising for being so distant, and when I told her I might be moving closer to her, she was brought to tears she was so happy.”

Three stories. In one week. I was also recently introduced to a man named Blake Fly, and one of the first few reels on his Instagram page was him asking “did someone ghost you or did you ghost them?”. His argument was that people have their own stuff going on, lives get hectic, and sometimes it can be as simple as someone forgot. And by not following up, you are essentially ghosting them.

Science backs this up too. Researchers from Cornell, Harvard, Yale, and the University of Essex identified something called the “liking gap” — the consistent tendency for people to underestimate how much others like them and enjoy their company (Boothby et al., 2018). Across multiple studies (strangers in a lab, new housemates, community members getting to know each other), participants reliably thought they were liked less than they actually were. The gap exists because we’re too busy being self-critical to notice the signals that someone is genuinely enjoying our company.

The same pattern plays out at work. In my previous role, I’d estimate that around 90% of the interpersonal problems I heard about came from someone reading a message (usually in Microsoft Teams, sometimes email) and interpreting it as hostile or dismissive. It almost never was. I could go deep here on working styles and personality differences (and I will, another time), but the short version is that text strips tone, and we fill the gap with our own anxiety.

What I want to say is this: they’re almost undoubtedly not mad at you. Their life just got a little hectic. They didn’t mean to be rude. You’re just a millennial and they ended a sentence with a full stop.

I don’t want another friendship to quietly fade, team dynamic to quietly shift, or another working relationship to quietly cool – all because a situation, message, or moment was misread. Reach back out, double text, have a conversation to clear the air. I have a feeling you’ll be happy you did.

For your kit

Next time you catch yourself spiralling about a message that went unanswered or a tone that felt off, try this: pause and ask yourself whether you’re reading the situation — or filling in the gaps with your own anxiety. Notice the story you’re telling. Then reach out anyway.

You’re probably liked more than you think. The research says so. And so do the weekly walks.